Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
