What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
