i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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