she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
