I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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