Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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