Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
