I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
