You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
