I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
