I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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