The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
