I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize