Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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