We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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