I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
