So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This is the high leading the old right now
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
this is an emotional support booty call
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
