Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
