I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
