Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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