Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I AM VODKA MAN
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
