i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
