i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
