Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
