Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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