he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
