i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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