weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
