Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
