I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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