dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
