can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
