im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
