I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
