I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
