when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
