New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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