heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
