I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
