He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
