girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
