I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
