i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
