You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
