yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
