Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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