If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
