I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
