Apparently you make a good broom.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??