woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.