i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
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I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
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She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?