Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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