Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
