I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
