note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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