You smell like stripper and shame
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
