I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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