if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
