You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
