this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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