when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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